POORLY-WRITTEN MOVIE REVIEWS
Just what the world needs: Another incompetent movie reviewer. Well, here I go again. (These are 2004 movies. I don't archive anything. -1/17/06)
MILLION DOLLAR BABY: This is my candidate for best picture. This movie is an intense emotional experience. That is most extraordinary considering that most movies nowadays convey nothing, and usually subsitute special effects for human feeling.
(NOTE: I GOT THIS ONE RIGHT! 1/17/06)
I favor it over the Aviator. The Aviator is probably superior in technical craftmanship, and in quantity of acting, but the Aviator did not make me feel anything.
CLOSER: I went to this movie mainly because it was directed by Mike Nichols. But it was kind of spacy. Julia Roberts wasn't bad, but was never happy, which is her main thing. She is very good at being happy.
The two guys were really gross. Don't male movie stars ever shave or comb their hair anymore? Do chicks dig this? I thought they looked like bums. I could hardly tell the difference between them. But it was a good enough movie so that I didn't walk out, which I usually do. I give it a 4 condom rating, since there were so many people having affairs with so many other people.
OCEANS TWELVE: I give this a 4 ice-cube rating for coolness, but only 2 stars overall. The main stars, like Brad Pitt, are very cool, but the plot is pretty much ridiculous. The action is also ridiculous, but its that sort of Jame Bondy type of genre where they do impossible things and get away with it. A good popcorn movie.
KINSEY: This was pretty much awful. Kinsey was presented as some sort of complete idiot nerd. I think that they could have presented his life in a more pleasant manner. I walked out after finishing my popcorn.
I didn't even give this movie a 1 condom rating, even though it showed pictures of a real penis and a real vagina. I don't really believe that any of the stars of this movie would be capable of having sex.
BEING JULIA: Not bad for a babe movie. Shows the difficulty of being an aging actress. Has a great craftiness skit at the end.
MEET THE FOCKERS: Turned out to be a pretty funny movie, after a focked-up beginning. The first 10 minutes kind of overdid Ben Stiller in his usual loser-idiot role. But Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand were really good.
BLADE TRINITY: Pretty kool testosterone film. I'm not too sure that I followed the vampire logic. A couple hot ladies in binkini tops as well as very good special effects. I give it 3 cheesecakes and 2 handgrenades.
SIDEWAYS: This was a good movie. I give it 3 bottles of expensive wine. It wasn't that rational, though, since the guy who was a wine-taster didn't have any money. But the other guy was entertaining.
SPANGLISH: A good movie. Adam Sandler showed that he's a good actor.
CONSTANTINE: This was rather disappointing. It lacked the mental stimulation of the Matrix, and basically substituted special effects and gore for any sort of plot.
I thought it was objectionable that the angel had her wings burned off at the end. Angels should not have their wings burned off in movies. There should be a law against that. This is even worse than burning American flags. Besides, angels have more power than Satan. Satan could not have burned her wings off.
This movie invented a new cosmology whereby the world was in a state of balance between people who are mostly-angelic and people who are mostly-demonic. Apparently pure demons and pure angels were not allowed in this physical world. Although I don't understand why the angel was there.
But there was a great deal of special-effect explosions going on as horrible demons disguised as swarms of bees invaded the physical realm. Then Keanu was some kind of chain-smoking, lung-cancer guy. He had some great triumph at the end, but I'm not sure what it was.
I generally find "spiritual" movies to be disappointing, because they are usually totally stupid. This is about consistent with most.
Draft 1: 1/10/05.
Draft 2: 1/17/04. I'm a shitty movie-reviewer.
Draft 3: 1/17/06
MILLION DOLLAR BABY: This is my candidate for best picture. This movie is an intense emotional experience. That is most extraordinary considering that most movies nowadays convey nothing, and usually subsitute special effects for human feeling.
(NOTE: I GOT THIS ONE RIGHT! 1/17/06)
I favor it over the Aviator. The Aviator is probably superior in technical craftmanship, and in quantity of acting, but the Aviator did not make me feel anything.
CLOSER: I went to this movie mainly because it was directed by Mike Nichols. But it was kind of spacy. Julia Roberts wasn't bad, but was never happy, which is her main thing. She is very good at being happy.
The two guys were really gross. Don't male movie stars ever shave or comb their hair anymore? Do chicks dig this? I thought they looked like bums. I could hardly tell the difference between them. But it was a good enough movie so that I didn't walk out, which I usually do. I give it a 4 condom rating, since there were so many people having affairs with so many other people.
OCEANS TWELVE: I give this a 4 ice-cube rating for coolness, but only 2 stars overall. The main stars, like Brad Pitt, are very cool, but the plot is pretty much ridiculous. The action is also ridiculous, but its that sort of Jame Bondy type of genre where they do impossible things and get away with it. A good popcorn movie.
KINSEY: This was pretty much awful. Kinsey was presented as some sort of complete idiot nerd. I think that they could have presented his life in a more pleasant manner. I walked out after finishing my popcorn.
I didn't even give this movie a 1 condom rating, even though it showed pictures of a real penis and a real vagina. I don't really believe that any of the stars of this movie would be capable of having sex.
BEING JULIA: Not bad for a babe movie. Shows the difficulty of being an aging actress. Has a great craftiness skit at the end.
MEET THE FOCKERS: Turned out to be a pretty funny movie, after a focked-up beginning. The first 10 minutes kind of overdid Ben Stiller in his usual loser-idiot role. But Dustin Hoffman and Barbra Streisand were really good.
BLADE TRINITY: Pretty kool testosterone film. I'm not too sure that I followed the vampire logic. A couple hot ladies in binkini tops as well as very good special effects. I give it 3 cheesecakes and 2 handgrenades.
SIDEWAYS: This was a good movie. I give it 3 bottles of expensive wine. It wasn't that rational, though, since the guy who was a wine-taster didn't have any money. But the other guy was entertaining.
SPANGLISH: A good movie. Adam Sandler showed that he's a good actor.
CONSTANTINE: This was rather disappointing. It lacked the mental stimulation of the Matrix, and basically substituted special effects and gore for any sort of plot.
I thought it was objectionable that the angel had her wings burned off at the end. Angels should not have their wings burned off in movies. There should be a law against that. This is even worse than burning American flags. Besides, angels have more power than Satan. Satan could not have burned her wings off.
This movie invented a new cosmology whereby the world was in a state of balance between people who are mostly-angelic and people who are mostly-demonic. Apparently pure demons and pure angels were not allowed in this physical world. Although I don't understand why the angel was there.
But there was a great deal of special-effect explosions going on as horrible demons disguised as swarms of bees invaded the physical realm. Then Keanu was some kind of chain-smoking, lung-cancer guy. He had some great triumph at the end, but I'm not sure what it was.
I generally find "spiritual" movies to be disappointing, because they are usually totally stupid. This is about consistent with most.
Draft 1: 1/10/05.
Draft 2: 1/17/04. I'm a shitty movie-reviewer.
Draft 3: 1/17/06
posted by Jack W. Orf | 7:31 PM
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