AN IDIOT'S GUIDE TO THE ACADEMY AWARDS
Being totally untrained and incompetent at writing movie reviews, not knowing an allegory from an alligator, or a symbol from a cymbol, or a synonym from a hominym, I said "Hey, why not write some movie reviews?" So I offer the idiot's guide to the movies.
First off, it is extemely rare that I ever sit thru an entire movie. In 75% of all cases, I eat my popcorn and then leave. If I sit thru the entire movie, that is a sign that it is a very good movie.
We are now going thru the annual abortion of the Academy Awards. I find these things to be totally stupid. First off, why should overpaid actors, actresses, producers and directors get awards? Successful actors, actresses, producers and directors are already making obscene amounts of money for doing very little.
They should really have a blue-collar academy award show for people who really deserve an award, like garbagemen, roofers, plumbers, farmers, taxi-drivers, auto-mechanics, etc. All those people who are virtually indispensible, but who make little money and get no repect. I absolutely never watch the Academy Awards, except maybe the highlights the next day on the news.
Actually, actors and actresses would be better off if they would follow the Disneyland precept of never being seen out of character. In other words, if you're playing Mickey Mouse, don't ever reveal that you are just an actor playing Mickey Mouse. BE Mickey Mouse 100% of the time that you are visible.
And just think how nice it would be if actors would stop being politicians, on both the left and the right. No more actors or actresses sobbing about their favorite cause when they accept their Oscars. And dare we say, Ahnoold simply being Ahnoold instead of the Governor of Collie-fornia. Groan.
Picking a "Best Picture" is totally impossible. For the past several years, I have never even LIKED the "best picture" of the year. Look back at a few of them: "The English Patient". Some wounded Nazi says that he doesn't know if he's an Englishman or a German. That's cute. Hey, what language do you speak, Adolph? That might be a clue. Groan.
Then there was "Braveheart", with Holy Mel. As far as I'm concerned, Holy Mel hasn't made, or acted in, a decent movie since "Road Warrior" back in 1980.
Picking a "best picture" is impossible because a movie is a subjective phenomenon that depends upon the individual. It might be better to have different "Best Picture" awards depending upon who the audience is.
"Million Dollar Baby" is the best picture for a male audience.
"Aviator" is the best picture for a female audience. Especially if you like looking at whats-his-face for endless hours. There should be a law against making movies more than 2 hours long. Its like one of my old bosses said: "Edit it down to a one-page memo".
"The Passion" is the best picture for an Evangelaloony or anti-semitic audience.
"Fahrenheit 9/11" is the best picture for an irreverent audience.
Any of the above movies could be considered a "best picture" depending upon what audience you're talking about.
First off, it is extemely rare that I ever sit thru an entire movie. In 75% of all cases, I eat my popcorn and then leave. If I sit thru the entire movie, that is a sign that it is a very good movie.
We are now going thru the annual abortion of the Academy Awards. I find these things to be totally stupid. First off, why should overpaid actors, actresses, producers and directors get awards? Successful actors, actresses, producers and directors are already making obscene amounts of money for doing very little.
They should really have a blue-collar academy award show for people who really deserve an award, like garbagemen, roofers, plumbers, farmers, taxi-drivers, auto-mechanics, etc. All those people who are virtually indispensible, but who make little money and get no repect. I absolutely never watch the Academy Awards, except maybe the highlights the next day on the news.
Actually, actors and actresses would be better off if they would follow the Disneyland precept of never being seen out of character. In other words, if you're playing Mickey Mouse, don't ever reveal that you are just an actor playing Mickey Mouse. BE Mickey Mouse 100% of the time that you are visible.
And just think how nice it would be if actors would stop being politicians, on both the left and the right. No more actors or actresses sobbing about their favorite cause when they accept their Oscars. And dare we say, Ahnoold simply being Ahnoold instead of the Governor of Collie-fornia. Groan.
Picking a "Best Picture" is totally impossible. For the past several years, I have never even LIKED the "best picture" of the year. Look back at a few of them: "The English Patient". Some wounded Nazi says that he doesn't know if he's an Englishman or a German. That's cute. Hey, what language do you speak, Adolph? That might be a clue. Groan.
Then there was "Braveheart", with Holy Mel. As far as I'm concerned, Holy Mel hasn't made, or acted in, a decent movie since "Road Warrior" back in 1980.
Picking a "best picture" is impossible because a movie is a subjective phenomenon that depends upon the individual. It might be better to have different "Best Picture" awards depending upon who the audience is.
"Million Dollar Baby" is the best picture for a male audience.
"Aviator" is the best picture for a female audience. Especially if you like looking at whats-his-face for endless hours. There should be a law against making movies more than 2 hours long. Its like one of my old bosses said: "Edit it down to a one-page memo".
"The Passion" is the best picture for an Evangelaloony or anti-semitic audience.
"Fahrenheit 9/11" is the best picture for an irreverent audience.
Any of the above movies could be considered a "best picture" depending upon what audience you're talking about.
posted by Jack W. Orf | 6:28 AM
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