BMW Going Gay?

That hot new BMW commercial is a secret indication that BMW is strongly marketing to homosexuals. They have apparently joined the Secular Humanist conspiracy to overthrow the institution of marriage.

The evidence: The commercial plays a recording of "The Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy."

Performed by the Berlin Philharmonic, you can listen to it here.

WARNING: Adults under the age of 85 must listen to this recording only while accompanied by a non-lesbian female. Otherwise, there is an extreme danger that the listener will be transformed into a dancing sugar plum fairy! And wouldn't the Secular Humanist Conspiracy like THAT!

Draft 2: 12/21/07

Rudy admits that he makes BIG mistakes

Rudy Guiliani was on Tim Russert's show on Sunday and made a very major error. When pressed, he said something like "I don't make many mistakes, but when I make a mistake it's a BIG one."

That is NOT something that should be said by a man who will have his finger on the Armageddon button. This is NOT something that should be said by a man who could single-handedly bring about the end of the world.

I can see the negative ads now: We see a video of Rudy smiling and admitting that he makes BIG mistakes. The next video? Of course. The A-BOMB going off!

Yes, the Goldwater campaign all over again. Should be fun.

Draft 1: 12/13/07

ONLY IF ASKED, BUT HE WON'T INHALE

Bill Clinton strikes again! He has inflicted a new Clintonism on the human race. If Hillary is elected president, he will sit in on cabinet meetings "only if asked".

Yes, this is better than "but I didn't inhale"! A priceless Clintonism that only Slick Willy could invent.

Think of the marvelously absurd implications: He and Hillary are so incredibly, objectively fair-minded that he will only attend cabinet meetings if he is literally drafted by a consortium of high-minded objective observers who have only the nation's well-being at heart.

Gimme a break.

First draft, 12/7/07.